Disappointment

I decided that when I started writing this blog, that I'd have to be honest with everything I wrote...no matter what...

I'm seriously thinking about re-starting to steroids even though I know the relaxation and de-stressing controls are easing my UC.

But with so much coming up and the thoughts of having to do a 30 hr flight back to Oz in Feb, I can't risk still having this damn flare-up.

I'm sorry to be so gross here, but I'm sure you have all had a little look down the loo to see what came out, but I know my colon is still seriously inflamed and from what I can tell, when there is a semi normal bowel movement, well, the poo is only about 1/2 the circumference it should be!

Now this flare-up has been going since last June and although I've come along way since the end of August, I seriously think it's time to knock this on the head with a bit of help from the steroids.

I'm slightly pissed off with myself for even considering this, but I need to get myself into remission now. I go back to see the French doc on 17th Nov and that is when I make my decision. But basically, if I'm still passing blood on that date, then it's time to accept that steroids are needed. To be honest the doc has been pushing me to go back on them since the start of Sept, but I've been saying no. Funny that, since I was the one begging him, with no success, back in July and he kept saying no. France doesn't believe in handing out steroids straight away..they like to try enemas....and they aren't cheap!..plus for me they really don't work...but I played along as he had me over a barrel.

I also have other reason to go back on those things....
1 - I'm going on my first trip to Paris at the start of Dec and the last thing I want to be doing is toilet hunting. I want to have fun and remember it for all the right reason! Plus I want the kids and my husband to have fun. We're doing Disneyland Paris also....and I really don't want to spoil there memory of that

2- Christmas is coming and it's the kids first cold Christmas and New Year. Again, it's memory based and I don't want UC spoiling it for them and me.

3 - I really can't be arsed with with anymore!

So, that why I'm thinking about. I'm also slightly worried about the current state of my insides as with over 5 months of a flare-up, those little ulcers must have caused some damage inside by now!

And yep, that's some negative thinking going on there..and a nice little looping pattern has formed....but I've set the D-Day date or in my case to S-Day date (S= Steroid) and we'll see what happens....

I'm still trying all my other stuff though and I'm not giving up there...but I think I need a helping hand now.

Chewing gum and smoking

I used to love chewing gum before I got Ulcerative Colitis. I used to chew loads at work, just to stop me going to the snack machine and getting god knows how much chocolate or crisps out each day.

Six months before I first got UC, I used to just chew all day long. Thinking back, I wonder if this is what caused my UC to start. I recently read that stated that chewing gum can cause irritation to the stomach and intestinal walls which can can cause ulcers. Who knows..maybe gum was my trigger!

.... and finally to smoking ... Did any of you used to smoke and gave it up? Did you ever wonder if this may of have contributed to your UC? I gave up 9 years ago, just before we started trying for a baby. I don't regret giving up for one moment...just thinking about the cash I save now alone was worth it...but I do have to wonder that if I still smoked, would I have UC now?

So while doing a quick goggle search today on UC and chewing gum, I came across the following link...interesting reading, but I'm not sure if I want to put nicotine via nicotine gum into my system. Take a read...

http://www.springerlink.com/content/p250182vq504p08l/

I can't help but think that cigarettes and gum where my down fall. So why am I writing about this now...well I started chewing gum again...and a got a pain in my gut after about 15 mins...so I think it's time to stop again.

How does he know?

This is inspired by Rich's blog the other day, in the funny things that children say. My youngest is 7 and they both knew what I have..although saying that I think I better ask them exactly what disease they think I have. Well you never know what they might come up with. I also realise that primary kids, especially the lower years, just love to share all sorts of information at school with the teacher and I'm sure we've had a few family secrets / embarrassing moments shared already....but heck worse things can happen :D


So anyway, a few weeks ago my Dad was over visiting and we headed out in the car for a day trip. At the top of the village my 7 year old boy screamed ... and yes I really do mean screamed as it was right beside my ear..."There's a Virgin!!"......silence in the car...... What the....!! How does he knew she's a virgin ... emmm, what does he think is a virgin...more embarrassing silence ... then ding the light went on...he's seen a statue on the wall of the Virgin Mary....there's loads of them everywhere over here....ddddooohhhh.....!

I wonder what he'll come out with next....

I did check to see what they thought I had....both said they couldn't remember the name of it, but it and it meant I spent a lot of time in the loo and we always had to know where the nearest toilet was if we were out and about....ah well, that's not too bad!

Living with the bitch from hell....ME apparently!

Last night I was delivered a reality check of what I was like to live with last year and let me tell you that it's not very nice having to listen to all your faults being laid out like that.

After I was finally diagnosed with UC and started in the steroids I thought my life was going to just return to normal....how wrong was I. At first the steroids put me on this kind of high and I had heaps of energy, but as the dosage was reduced, so was my mood and energy.

Looking back now, I realise that I basically just decided to cut myself off from everyone and anyone. All I could basically do was get the kids to school, go to work, get back home and have as little contact with people as possible during the day. This is seriously not me and for anyone that knows me, well, they thought I was just being a total bitch.

How do you explain to people you have no energy to even talk to them. Yes they knew I had an illness, but really..unless you have this yourself you have no idea what this feels like, especially when your energy is depleted. So I withdrew from society from about 4 weeks into the steriods for about 6 weeks all up. The funny thing was that it was a major storm in our area that pulled me out of this black hole. Yep, now bear me with as this is weird, but the charge and severity of the storm seemed to re-energise me overnight and I was back again and out of my rut. I always try to help people, which is why before the storm people thought I was being a right bitch and ignoring them, but really I was just trying to protect myself.

One lady in particular did approach me about how I was acting at the time of my withdrawal and at the time I was so mad at her, but later and I go back and explain how I was feeling and how I needed to protect myself until I felt better. I don't know if she really understood what I was saying, but we're still very good friends. I do always want to help, but sometimes it's better to protect ourselves first.

Anyway, when my husband brought all that old stuff up last night I realised how far I'd come. He's reading Guy's book and has noticed several traits that I have or had that are mentioned in the book. In a way it's helping him see why I am the way I am...and hopefully not a bitch all the time :D ... I do love my family and it would break my heart to intentionally hurt them. The one thing my husband has mentioned plenty of times before is that my family's moods all rotate around mine..if I'm happy...the family is happy. I better try and keep it that way.

So next time you think someone is ignoring you...cut them a little slack...they may just need to withdraw for a while for a little intermission...once sorted then normal programming can resume.

yep, I'm still here

It's strange..I really have had nothing to blog about recently...and then it hit me...I've been leading a pretty normal life for the past 2 weeks! Flippin heck...how'd that happen?

Of course I've had a few evening where me and the toilet were best friends...but that was all self imposed by me...see I know I should have had that darn pizza or that tin of coke...but when the craving gets me..I have to give in....well it's not as if I can't hear Corrie or Emmerdale Farm from the bathroom if I get my husband or the kids to turn the TV up a bit while I make each mad dash :D

This week I discovered with a little variation to the rewind technique that I could make it work. I had no success at all with the cinema screen thing..but I had watched a TV program with Paul McKenna a month or so back and he talked about making the screen smaller and smaller and smaller until it disappeared. So I do the first bit with the thumb pinching and the visualisation of confidence, curiosity and humorous and then picture the thing that annoys me and make it disappear...yep..I know that sounds weird to anyone who has no idea what I'm talking about, but for those that do..it really did work for me...I was gobsmacked. So what lead me to try this...well this week I was surfing my contacts on Linked In as I came across a name who used to work for me years back and made my life hell. Sorry, did I say work for me....stupid me...she never produced a decent piece of work and her only objective was to try and wind the rest of the team up. Personality clash is a mild statement..she hated me with a passion as I got the job she had also applied for and I was an external candidate.

Anyway, I had to put up with her for 2 long years until I eventually went on maternity leave. She was there when I came back, but luckily for me, so was 6mths pregnant when I came back so I only has to put up with her for a further 2 months. She really was a bitch from hell and I later heard when she went to a new company that someone took her to court over her behaviour and her then employee made her redundant due to the way she treated colleagues.

Anyway, I found her on linked in and was reading her summary CV, which basically was a bunch of lies as she claimed she was a PM way back when she worked for me.....mmm..not exactly true to say the least...not even close..she wasn't even a team leader, let alone a manager.

So I was letting this memory or her wind me up and I thought..lets try this one out on the rewind technique and see if I can get rid of her once and for all. I knew I had no success with the cinema visualisation and I remembered Paul McKenna's shrinking technique, so that evening before bed, I found a nice quite space and started the process. When I got up the next morning the hatred I had for that girl seemed to be gone...surprised...you bet I was...

So what now, well I don't want to go to mad and zap everything straight away just in case like the genie in the bottle, I only get 3 wishes...so I'm waiting to see what effects my UC next. I'll let you know if I have any further successes. This is kind off a really big thing for me. I knew it worked for others, but I'm not sure if I totally believed it would work for me. Thanks Guy :D

Bucket List

I watched The Bucket List for the very first time last night. God that's a good movie..makes you realise just how lucky you are. I love movies with Morgan Freeman or Jack Nicholson.

Jack Nicholson still freaks me out though when I watch The Shining. The first time I watched that I had no idea what the film was about and I was alone my self in the house upstairs in bed..thank god they didn't have big screen TVs in those days...I was frightened enough watching a tiny 12 inch portable...it's those eyes of his...they're freaky!!!

Anyway, the best line in the The Bucket List movie for me was "Never trust a fart". Oh how true for us!!

Bum..what a great word

Bum- The fleshy part of the human body that you sit on
Synonyms - arse, buttocks, nates, bottom, butt, backside, buns, can, fundament, hindquarters, hind end, keister, posterior, prat, rear, rear end, rump, stern, seat, tail, tail end, tooshie, tush, behind, derriere, fanny, ass

Bet you didn't know there was so many words for the thing that makes our life a little bit different from other.

People really don't like to talk about their bums. The only acceptable conversation is "Does my bum look big in this??" I often wonder if conversations about colitis will eventually become like conversations about Cancer now..in that people will now speak about Cancer openly, as more and more types are becoming curable. It's not such a dreaded thing and not all cancers will kill you, so many have a great chance with the medicines available now.

So why can't we talk about our bums now? The way I see it, it's because we are simply embarrassed about them and their function. Are we ever going to get over this fact....I do wonder.

But to finish on a lighter note....here's a bum joke...

Bottom Deodorant - The blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any.""But I always get it here," says the blonde."Do you have the container it comes in?""Yes!" said the blonde, "I will go and get it."She returns with the container and hands it to the chemist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, "To apply, push up bottom."

Who cringed when they read that punch line? Ahh, a few years ago I would never have guessed what I would have had to go through....