Monday, December 27, 2010

Good News

Ah, maybe I will get lucky as today I had the best news and I got a working Apple Mac Pro back :D and I also got a new Ipad for Christmas as my husband felt bad for me the the really old laptop I was using.

It could be a sign that things are turning a corner for me. I'm into signs...always looking for them..good or bad :D

Christmas Day night saw a very bad case of was so awful I had forgotten the pain and the toilet running. I as up for hours. But thanks to my stash of preds, everything is again staying put and we'll see what the first real 'movement' is like maybe by tomorrow :D.

Can't say what kicked it off but it could be prawns, a tiny bit of champagne, a mince pie or some chocolate ice-cream. I had so many different things that I don't normally have now, that's it hard to tell for definite.

So I have discovered a couple of new things...I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, even if I don't cause it directly myself. So I'm going to try and work on that one. I realised today that I've been punishing myself since Oct over the broken Mac, maybe if I hadn't have done that, but I did, so there you go.

So what next for me for 2011..... well, try to be more positive and get this UC under control and get back to Oz and get a job :D

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

Tis the season to be jolly, / Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I don't feel very jolly though ... I'm scared … actually I'm petrified. I can’t get this horrible feeling to lift. I used to be the sort of person that loved life, now I feel like a shadow of that person. I’m scared to have the UC operation done and be left with a bag. I’m scared what I’ll look like. I’m scared about having accidents. My whole life seems to be one big scare that revolves around UC. I seem to have lost the will to live. Don’t worry I’m not suicidal just yet, though reading this will appear that I am. I promise I’m not going to do anything to myself … not with 2 little kids in tow. I’m making everyone’s life a misery though and I know it. How can I stop myself though feeling such self pity. I seem to have lost all of my confidence and life.

This all came about again when recently someone who I thought was my friends totally dropped me and another friend, and we have no idea what we. We’re at a lose, but it really pisses me off that people do that. I put a lot of effort into getting to know people and trying to fit in, but when stuff like this happens I feel like I’ve been kicked in the guts and the wind is totally blown out of me. Why are people like this? I really do find it hard to trust people and it takes me such a long time to recover from these situations. So how do I get over this and move on … forgive and forget … yikes not me … I can hold a grudge for years. I think my problem is that I feel let down. But doesn’t everyone feel like that? So why is it worse for me. My personality I guess and all the stuff I was born with. I really have to catch a grip and wise up.

Someone, please kick me up the arse and tell me to wise up. I should be feeling grateful. I’m going home in Feb for good … back to Australia and speaking English and hopefully someone listening to my theories and plies for help. I should be grateful for my 2 beautiful kids, but sometimes they do my head in with their ungratefulness. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful about the lot of life I was given. But heck, I’m still in a position to change anything I want.

So here’s what I’m going to say to me right now….”Wise up Paula, what the heck are you doing … live life and stop bloody well complaining. Your 43 and your body is not the bee all and end all. If you have to get a stoma, you have to get a stoma, at least you’ll be able to live a life. Make the most of what you have and stop all this self pity. “

Merry Christmas everyone … stay safe … have fun :D … enjoy the life you were given

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Still hanging in there :D

Hi ya, yep, I'm still here and still in a flare up and still bitching and moaning about my UC and the fact that I can't get into remission. Seriously....why can't I get into remission?

I've tried everything I can think of and sometimes I think I'm on the right road only to get bumped right back to earth again. How frustrating is this disease?

So I have a stash of preds ready and by my reckoning I can start taking them again in just over a week. There's just enough then to get me back to Australia in February where I can get some more and also have a good old chat with my doctor. Nope I tried that over here with the French doctors and basically I got kicked out the door with a prescription for 5mg Pred a day when required. Get real, but I cashed in the prescription of 30 5mg tablets anyway and added it to my next stash! It buys me an extra 3 days @ 50mg per day if needed to get the blood stopped.

So what's new with me? Well I finally got to see a Naturopath and she's got me on a few new things so we'll see how they go. If anything does seem to be working for more than a few days, then I'll document it in my next point in giving false hope. I also had a bit of a scare with my 8 year old last month as he was getting heaps of stomach pains, so of course I conclude that he has what I have. To be honest I can see him as a candidate so I'm doing my best not to let him get what I have. I'm teaching him how to handle stress now...I'm teaching him how to deal with bullies and I'm really trying to teach him of how to deal with his insecurities as I really don't want him to be like me! Turns out the poor kid got hit with quite a few viruses along with getting stressed at school, but now I know what's going on in his head, I can try and help him.

Our time in France is nearly over and although a really do breath a really big high sigh of relief, I have enjoyed living here when I’ve been on the preds and symptom free, but I will be happy to go home and speak English all the time. Living in a foreign land is hard without being fluent in their language, but I have tried and can almost crack some jokes in French, though my form of humor may be different from many others :D