Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

Tis the season to be jolly, / Fa la la la la, la la la la.

I don't feel very jolly though ... I'm scared … actually I'm petrified. I can’t get this horrible feeling to lift. I used to be the sort of person that loved life, now I feel like a shadow of that person. I’m scared to have the UC operation done and be left with a bag. I’m scared what I’ll look like. I’m scared about having accidents. My whole life seems to be one big scare that revolves around UC. I seem to have lost the will to live. Don’t worry I’m not suicidal just yet, though reading this will appear that I am. I promise I’m not going to do anything to myself … not with 2 little kids in tow. I’m making everyone’s life a misery though and I know it. How can I stop myself though feeling such self pity. I seem to have lost all of my confidence and life.

This all came about again when recently someone who I thought was my friends totally dropped me and another friend, and we have no idea what we. We’re at a lose, but it really pisses me off that people do that. I put a lot of effort into getting to know people and trying to fit in, but when stuff like this happens I feel like I’ve been kicked in the guts and the wind is totally blown out of me. Why are people like this? I really do find it hard to trust people and it takes me such a long time to recover from these situations. So how do I get over this and move on … forgive and forget … yikes not me … I can hold a grudge for years. I think my problem is that I feel let down. But doesn’t everyone feel like that? So why is it worse for me. My personality I guess and all the stuff I was born with. I really have to catch a grip and wise up.

Someone, please kick me up the arse and tell me to wise up. I should be feeling grateful. I’m going home in Feb for good … back to Australia and speaking English and hopefully someone listening to my theories and plies for help. I should be grateful for my 2 beautiful kids, but sometimes they do my head in with their ungratefulness. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful about the lot of life I was given. But heck, I’m still in a position to change anything I want.

So here’s what I’m going to say to me right now….”Wise up Paula, what the heck are you doing … live life and stop bloody well complaining. Your 43 and your body is not the bee all and end all. If you have to get a stoma, you have to get a stoma, at least you’ll be able to live a life. Make the most of what you have and stop all this self pity. “

Merry Christmas everyone … stay safe … have fun :D … enjoy the life you were given


  1. Hey Paula

    You don't need a kick up the arse, or a kick in the guts. Or a kick at all.

    I have been there, and I have felt the fear. It's not self pity, it's frightening.

    I am sitting here in Nottingham, writing this on Christmas Eve, one year ago to the day I was in hospital. We are about to walk along to a friends house for a bit of a get together and Christmas cheer.

    On Monday I was talking to someone at the gym about how relaxation can boost the mind, and how the mind and the body only got split up relatively recently (Was it Descartes?) in western thought. Do we all agree that a stressed mind is not good for the body? Well, probably most of us do?

    Anyway, the thing is that if you end up with a stoma, it isn't all over and there is a lot more life to be had.

    If you have a stoma you can eat what you like.

    If you have a stoma you don't need to think about where the nearest loo is.

    If you have a stoma your body stops fighting the errant gut and you become much fitter and have more vitality.

    If you have a stoma, you can usually have a reversal procedure. So it isn't always forever.

    All of the above may not apply anyway, because its always possible that you could go into remission.

    With lots of positivitvivivivity.


  2. Paula, I realize your wrote this quite a while ago, but for some reason I didn't see it until today. Arkayeff is right, you don't need a kick at all. UC is a horrible illness and you are brave for enduring it. I was sad to read about your friends turning away from you. That has happened to me, so I know it hurts. Earlier this week I was reading this blog post

    I wonder how life would be different if people really realized what you were going through. Whether you get a stoma or will still be Paula and you will still be wonderful.