Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tis the season to be jolly, / Fa la la la la, la la la la.
I don't feel very jolly though ... I'm scared … actually I'm petrified. I can’t get this horrible feeling to lift. I used to be the sort of person that loved life, now I feel like a shadow of that person. I’m scared to have the UC operation done and be left with a bag. I’m scared what I’ll look like. I’m scared about having accidents. My whole life seems to be one big scare that revolves around UC. I seem to have lost the will to live. Don’t worry I’m not suicidal just yet, though reading this will appear that I am. I promise I’m not going to do anything to myself … not with 2 little kids in tow. I’m making everyone’s life a misery though and I know it. How can I stop myself though feeling such self pity. I seem to have lost all of my confidence and life.
This all came about again when recently someone who I thought was my friends totally dropped me and another friend, and we have no idea what we. We’re at a lose, but it really pisses me off that people do that. I put a lot of effort into getting to know people and trying to fit in, but when stuff like this happens I feel like I’ve been kicked in the guts and the wind is totally blown out of me. Why are people like this? I really do find it hard to trust people and it takes me such a long time to recover from these situations. So how do I get over this and move on … forgive and forget … yikes not me … I can hold a grudge for years. I think my problem is that I feel let down. But doesn’t everyone feel like that? So why is it worse for me. My personality I guess and all the stuff I was born with. I really have to catch a grip and wise up.
Someone, please kick me up the arse and tell me to wise up. I should be feeling grateful. I’m going home in Feb for good … back to Australia and speaking English and hopefully someone listening to my theories and plies for help. I should be grateful for my 2 beautiful kids, but sometimes they do my head in with their ungratefulness. Maybe I’m just being ungrateful about the lot of life I was given. But heck, I’m still in a position to change anything I want.
So here’s what I’m going to say to me right now….”Wise up Paula, what the heck are you doing … live life and stop bloody well complaining. Your 43 and your body is not the bee all and end all. If you have to get a stoma, you have to get a stoma, at least you’ll be able to live a life. Make the most of what you have and stop all this self pity. “
Merry Christmas everyone … stay safe … have fun :D … enjoy the life you were given