Friday, September 18, 2009

Oh it's a funny old world

First up, I want to say that I know it's hard to for people to believe that other people can cure themselves by working with the mind. It's just one of those either believe or you don't and for those that don't / can't believe in this that's fine. Everyone is different. But what I do mind is the ones that don't or can't believe in this, telling me that it's utter crap. Don't tell me what I can and can't believe in!!! It's my choice!!! - in case you're wondering what that was all about...go check out Martin at Number Two's blog..the one with heaps of comments.

Now that I've got that off my chest, here's where I am with my UC today.

Had a bit of bright red blood last night, but only 1 bowel movement again throughout the whole day. Of course I was a bit pissed off to see the blood again, but a couple of things had annoyed me this week and I hadn't dealt with them. I also made a stupid mistake and changed my maintenance drug to prove a point to my doctor. Luckily I'm hoping that my stupidity hasn't set me back a week or two as I still have made a heap of progress with just mentally dealing with my issues over being scared and stressed. What ever happens, I've gotten where I've gotten to without use of steroids yet and that for me is a huge deal.

I'm back to my French Doc next week for another consultation...actually it can't be a consultation as neither of us have a huge understanding of each other’s language, so it's not as if we can "parle" very much. His english is better than my french though but I've learnt some interesting French medical words :D

Good old Babelfish will have to be used to again as my first venture with it to the Doctors was pretty successful :)

I think I'm also going to tell him (via babel on yellow sticky notes) about what else I have been trying. The funny thing is that when I first went to see him way back in July when I was basically house bound, that I thought the stress of leaving home, moving here and the whole language thing was really stressed me out and possibly brought on the UC. I'd forgotten about that until today, as at the time that he agreed. France doesn't like to give out steroids willy nilly for some reason. I've no idea what the UK is like, as I got UC in Australia, but over there they also just give out the steroid willy nilly once you’re diagnosed.

I've also just come to the realisation, that maybe I'm not supposed to have the drugs as there is another way for me...(don't have a go at me if you disagree...all I'm saying is this works for me right now as I'm in a different head space from you...I'm able to trust in stuff where others are sceptics). Seriously though...think about it...I'm thousands of miles away from home and the doctors I trust and that helped me last year...I've had a flare up...and the French medical system does things differently...what choice do I have?

Last year, it took over 10 visits to the doctors and countless blood tests over a 3 week period for me start with one doctor get nowhere as he didn't believe I was sick as I looked ok, to then finally find a doctor that would listening to me and get me the urgent help I needed that Friday evening. She was brilliant, and although she couldn't get a hold of a specialist while I sat in her office that Friday night crying...god, the memory of that time still makes me cry...she knew I was in big trouble and advised me to go the hospital if it got any worse over the weekend. She made an appointment for me first thing Monday morning and told me it was going to be ok..I wasn't the first to get this and unfortunately I wouldn't be the last. She gave me something to cling onto for Monday morning ...hope... oh and 100ml enema to put in, to get me through to Monday morning. Looking back now, I have no idea how I got through that Friday...I really should have been in hospital, but with the aid of the enema...I finally got a full 8 hours sleep and woke up on the Saturday morning feeling a slight bit better. Was it the enema, was it the fact I got 8 hrs sleep or was it the hope that I was going to get somewhere with this on Monday? Who knows but that weekend I turned a corner. At the time, I really didn't realise how bad I was with this disease...I was kidding myself big time.

I went down to the doctors at 7.45am..actually are you wondering how I managed to get myself to the doctors when basically I was house bound for the last 2 weeks? Easy..I didn't eat or drink a thing until I'd done what I had to do...I figured that one out very quickly.... So down to the doctors where she had already spoken to the specialist. She had also set up a quick phone call appointment for me with the specialist at 11am that day and a further urgent appointment for the Wednesday. That was the quickest I could get in..normally you're on a 3 week wait list and that's in the private sector in Australia.

Long story short, I talked to the specialist that morning, got an immediate connection with her over the phone..she's Irish like me living in Oz..and I trusted her to make me better. I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but basically when I was really ill I was having to go to the toilet anywhere from 15 to 30 times each day. Wednesday came around and my husband came with me to see the specialist as he really needed to know what was going on too. Basically she told me I was a very sick person...(my brain is still I'm not that sick..I'm ok) and then the organs were going to start shutting down due to the huge weight loss...9kgs in 7 days...and I wasn't big to begin with as I'd been doing some serious gym training for the past 3 years. She reckoned I had less than a week if I'd carried on the way I was, before the organs would have started to shut down. A scary thought. That's when I finally admitted to myself that I was really sick and in big trouble. Of course a colonoscopy was needed...yep..don't want to do that neither..scares me...but hell, I need to know what is wrong with me, but I'm being time to get over this fear..face it and move on. Fast forward to colonoscopy day...scared silly...cried all the way to the hospital and cried while they put me under................woke up 30 mins late and first words out of my mouth..."Do I have I going to die?...I think I came around a bit quicker than they expected as my specialist came over straight away and said...nope to Cancer... I hadn't realised that was what I was really thinking was wrong with me! Once she calmed me down she said that she's come and talk to me in about 30mins and we could discuss the UC and how to treat it going forward. Do you know what it feels like to have a huge weight lifted off your shoulders...I was over's only UC. I'm alive. The thing the time I was happy that I only had UC...little did I know that I would get so depressed with the medicines I had to take each day. Even when it went into remission and I was just on the maintenance drug I still didn't feel right. It ranged from downright anger at everyone, to locking myself away from the world as I was depressed, although at the time I didn't think I was depressed so I didn't seek help. It took a very good friend of mine to come round to my house and ask me what was going on...(I'm crying again as I type this)..for me to realise this all I had to stop..I need to take control and pull myself together as all I'm doing right now, is pushing the people I love away from me by my own actions.

Back then I didn't realise that I was sabotaging myself...which brings me back to the beginning of this blog. I want to be happy and positive and enjoy my life. I don't want to be a negative person who only ever knocks people and won't at least try something new as they knew it just won't work. No I don't want to be hurt and let down if I fail, but at least I tried. It didn't cost me a cent (penny) to try Guy's stuff as it was all free on the web...and it's my choice to buy his book as I want to see what he I have had a bit of success so far by simply changing my attitude and stopping being scared and stressed all the time. To some, this is hocus pocus...but what if this really is going to be the thing that helps me live a normal life. I'd be pretty damn stupid to pass something up like that without first trying it out. Like I said...this has cost me little to nothing..people spend more on coffee or cigarettes.

Anyway, have a great day..and give someone a break if they don't quite agree with you....I'm all up for constructive agruments...but not putting people down just because they think differently from you...

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